The birth of a new look!

Uncompromised Position

I am working away from 'home' but due to a technical catastrophe, all are requested to at home office to provide extra hands. (possibly brains too). The downside is how tightly wound-up everyone at work is. The up side is I'm left to my own doing. Yes, it's good to be 'home'.

Last weekend I was appointed official Nanny for a group of kids ranging 6-14. That would be 'work' enough for one who declares to 'hate kids'. These were the sweetest bunch of kids if there ever was. Almost changed my minds about children until they decided it was easy to play 'hide & seek' with their official Nanna. I must say I had fun tho - but you won't catch me saying so Offline!

I also had fun with Tanya. She was official Nanny Assistant. - I don't know why people would think that it's ok to pair you up with an ex even tho it seems like you're good friends now... By the way, did I mention how when we were together, it seemed like me and Tanya were the "forever" couple? -

I digress.

It was during our 'play parent' sessions - By the way, Tanya has this inate ability to make it look like she's the 'mom' figure and me the 'dad' figure which is something unfair coz apart from the outlook appearance, Tanya is more alpha than me! - that Twet confides in me about her current beau Andy. He is literally a He, meaning, male. An actual male-born male, been-male-all-his-life male! Andy is a heterosexual man!

I couldn't stop laughing. Oh the irony of that disclosure. (Tanya and I had difficulty coming to terms with the fact that I had/may have relationships with men.)

Later on, we brought the kids back and they were absolutely spent. I left to get dinner but when I got back, the kids were already in bed, their hunger filled with instant noodles! Bless them.

I had a nice dinner with Tanya and we were a lil drowsy as well. There were 2 bedrooms but since 1 was filled with kids, we decided to retire to the only one available.

"Habit has a habit of making a habit out of you."

In the room, I switched on some good ole music, perhaps out of habit.
Something soft that we both enjoy.
Then she propped up in bed with a book,"Did you also bring a book?".
I pointed to mine. Never leave home without it.
Me neither, she quipped.
You never know when chance would present time for reading.

At this point I think I should mention that the parents of these kids were still at work and wouldn't be able to join the chalet till close to midnight.

***Ooops gotta go - To be continued....***

Coming out party

Just as I resolved Not to go out for the weekends, I was invited for some Edukators gathering. Just a few drinks with some colleagues and others in the industry. We'll much ado about nothing or so I had hoped.

The turn outs had professors (some of whom I admire) and lecturers and political MSC students plus 1 Teaching assistant aka me!

It was hard work getting through the chit chats & keeping up with the pace of these academias. (If you didn't know it, yours truly is an absolute bimbo.)

Me: Like what the government did… ha ha (apparently the only one laughing)
Academia: You don’t agree?
Me: er… It’s not that I don’t agree but it’s just funny. No?
Academia: It saved many jobs and increased economic growth per capita.
Me: *giggles* But imagine the officials doing dirt work in that pig farm…
Academia: *straight face*
Me: *braced myself* ehem, which although would have seem silly is nothing to trifle with. I admire their commitment.
Academia: So, you agree?
Me: I agree and yet I disagree. (Launches into the pros and cons of the farm movement)

After fending several suspicions, I finally found myself a corner to simply drink in the atmosphere.

Ironically enough, the alfresco diner by the cliff was absolutely breathtaking.

Along came him.

Him: Hullo there
Me: Hi
Him: On a break?
Me: Analyzing from afar
Him: aah,,, Well, let me tell you about them, “I zink ze verld is all looking to my opeenion on how to improove ze verld type”

I gotta give it him. He was funny and his mimicry talents were show worthy. I don’t know if it was the drinks or him but slowly I began to enjoy myself.

Before I know it, there was a group surrounding us. These were people who needed a break from all that global discussion and talk about mundane stuff like movies, music, reads, and traveling and or other interest. Welcome to my world.

By then, I was a wee tipsy.

Him: *in a low voice meant only for me* So where do you stay?
Me: Z station
Him: I stay in A station
Me: - nods -
Him: Oooh, we’re staying in opposite ends. It’s like Opposite Attracts.
Me: - gives him a weird look -
Him: Not that I’m trying to hit on you or anything like that.
Me: - gives him an incredulous look –
Him: But yeah, my place or yours *with cheeky grin*
Me: I’m gay.
Him: You’re what?

The song in the background had ended and it was about to play the next song but for the silence in between the tracks. People who had been talking had also somewhat lowered down their volume. People near to us (me and him) had also stopped talking for they heard his exclamation.

Me: I said, I’m gay.

Then the realization that although I wasn’t that loud, almost everyone on the floor had heard me.

Somewhere in the background you could hear whispers.

Voice 1: What did she say?
Voice 2: She’s gay.

The next track was now playing…

Him: Oooooh.
Me: Ya.
Him: Ok, then… Well it was nice meeting you
Me: Ya ok.
Him: I have to er.. I left something in my car..
Me: Sure. Me too.

He left. I left. And no, I didn’t leave anything in my car. Truth is, I don’t even have a car but if I had one, I’d leave something in the god damn car just to get away from the looks/glances I got.

Home Weekends

I shall resist the temptation of a party this weekend because I have way too much work needin to be done.



Resist.

Resisting.

I think I'll go open that bottle of tequila afterall...

I'm back

Sick ville = Ostracity.

Well meaning = Pride & Prejudice, The OC and X-men.

I called no one = No one called me.

Water water on the seeds
To my left they rose and leaf
To my right cross Seven Seas

Maybe maybe they'll stay true

My seeds will cross and then take root
And leave you to an empty room
Lonely lonely that is you

Paper paper obsolete

How will you reach out to me
I thought you'd ask me not to leave
Lonely lonely that is me

Distance makes the heart grow weak
So that the mouth can barely speak
Except to those who hide their needs
And I have read the golden seal
That tell of how the feelings feel
Reminds my heart what love can yield
But the only things are clear
I'm staying here

Lonely and so untrue

You give me Fever

On a scale of 1-10, how sick are you?
12.

'Nuff said.

Lesbian Anonymous

9 women. All with intertwine history (or rather, herstory).

Hearts were poured, some were healed and some...
Well, at least it got aired.

We listened. Shared. Cared.

9 women.

Lesbian anonymous.

A fulfilling weekend indeed.

Absolut Karaoke

Shandy: Karaoke weekend. You gotta come back.
Me: I was there last weekend. Am tired...
Shandy: You were bz with the wedding. No fair. Come on. We've got a room and everyone's coming.

Me: Who's everyone?
Shandy: Sally, Praline, Handsome, Tanya (she rattled off other names)
Me: Tanya ?

Shandy: Oh come on - you guys are on friendly terms right...
Me: Yeah but...

Shandy: Besides she just got out of the hospital.
Me: -silence-

Shandy: So, u want me to pick you up?

It's gonna be one those weekends....

Gay-ming Pool

It was a friendly nod. At first. Then you see each other again and then there were words exchanged. Insignificant chit chat.

her: Hot weather, eh?
me: yeh. (makes crummy face)
her: Damn, I forgot banana boat.
me: I have some. You want?

After applying on herself, she returns the lotion to me.

It didn't strike me as strange that she was still standing about - I was busy applying the sunblock on myself.

her: Need help?
me: huh? oh,,, No. Thanks but no.
her: ok. (still lurking about)

me: (looked up) erm, well i'm going in. See you abt.
her: you come here often?
me: No, not really. It's my 2nd visit.
her: You always come around this time?
me: *shrugs* depends on whether I can get away.

A string of questions ensued.
I was as brief as I could.
I only had an hour's break and I intend to swim it away.

However, the conversation prompted me to look. I never noticed this before but there were a number of butches and gays scattered about.

haha. Is this a swimming pool?

Back

The short trip back was absolutely tiring and worst still...

You know how you go off for a holiday and the work piles up. Well, I took 5 days off and now it seems like the back log is about a months worth!

Fuck.

Wedding

I HATE weddings.

Maybe that's why it 'slipped my mind' that I had to attend my cousin's wedding this weekend!

Fortunately, the reminder came early enough to salvage the situation.

So here I am waiting for the cab to fetch me for a long journey ahead!

Here's a checklist of sorts.

- Rush for a hen's nite out. I'm supposedly main hostess even though I do not know these people.

- Follow the bride through some customary ritual on Friday.
(The groom has personally imprinted on me my responsibility to ensure the bride is sober from previous nite-out)

- Receive and host more guests who arrives on the wedding day itself. Most of which I do not know but who will immediately recognise me. Apparently I look like my mom/dad/uncle/cousin and everyone else.

- Worst of all they will irritate me with the question,"When is it your turn?"

So, did I mention?

I hate weddings.

Bah hambug.

Gay 'Scope'

Finally finished watching ROME - Yes, I am That Bored. However, with a dream of working with HBO some day, I decided it would be good to watch some of HBO's original series.

The series is really kinda draggy, unless you're watching it for production notes.

Then came to Episode 7 when Atia sends her daughter Octavia (see picture right) to Servilia (see picture left) to ask for protection.

These two characters had so much energy bouncing off each other - It was exciting just to watch them. The way they bantered off each other - they're so gay.

Then I burst out laffing. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean the whole world is!

But I swear, nowadays as I look about - almost everyone is gay to me!

Is that a curse of being gay? hmmm....

Lo and behold as my interest was held, in the next episode, these 2 characters became lovers!

My word - I was spot on!

lLorando

The streets were filled with lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgendered. The who's who in theatre were out to play. Most came and made a bee line to the club hosting the after party of the cast from The Magic Fundoshi. My straight friends were slightly amused whilst my gay friends were more than happy with the pickings. I was restless. The lesbians were few and far in between and mostly butch, not to mention young-looking.

I was lLorando!



Just next door, was a queer joint but with a more relaxed ambience. A quick scan resulted with only a handful of sisters... but what’s with all the stares?

hmm, Time to get out.

A fellow gay brother (sisters, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves) was helpful enough to Walk me to my next stop. Thanks Jeff! (Darn it - should have gotten his contact!)

95 Club Street.

There was a group of 'bians lounging at the outside area with a “This is Our hangout place” authority and a "we've been infected with the clicque virus disease" sign. Regardless, stay away.

Of course, it could be because I don’t know any of them but the setting was intimidating enough to stop any nubian in her tracks.

Fortunately, Jeff sensed that and (bless his soul) said, “I have a friend there. Let me walk you in.”

The setting was very nouveau. Jeff made the introductions and left.

Oh, were you guys there and did you see this pathetic solo figure sitting at the end of the bar? Yes, that was me.

Well, all is not for naught. I found out that every first Tuesday of the month, the pub organises a speed dating event.

Ha - Like I would go.

Seriously. I wouldn't.

Ok, fine, I'll sleep on it.

Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,
You'd never take a walk with me
hmm, Would you?

Finally Over Dee!

Yesternite, I hitched up with Dee for some drinks and then we ended back at my place. The usual routine when we were together.

This morning I woke up on my own and am happy and at peace as well as proud.

I spent an entire night with Dee and didn't feel anything. Nada. Zilch. Kaput.

As I sit here typing, across of Dee (who's on the couch sleeping still), I am finally able to say without a shadow of a doubt that I am so Totally over Dee. Now, when I try to recall the moment we had, I wondered why I even felt the way I did.

Ahakz... Irene is so going to be jealous if she finds out Dee slept at my place. This time, when Dee says nothing happened - it'll be the first time that's true!

I'm free!

The realization...

OH MY GOD.

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

I think I know what happened.

By the way this is part 2 of the previous post so if you haven't read that, Go read it now.

Ok, let's rewind back to the tips of being more touchy.

Well, in order to be more touchy with Sally, I had to be just as touchy with others. Since Handsome was there - there was no problem being 'touchy' with him except that he was at times, preoccupied with Lily. I would then turn my attention to Praline.

I thought that was a safe choice becoz Praline had arrived with Ian.

I guess I may have been I was also flirting with Praline.

Wait, wait - In my defense, I must say that Praline is one HOT mama. How could anyone NOT be flirting with her?

Now, back in the VIP room...

Perhaps I had been overtly 'touchy' with Praline. We held hands... I had my arms around her loads of times and at one point we were breathing into each other faces almost kissing or so IT MAY Seemed to others watching....

But what really transpired was different!

Yes, we held hands. Yes, I held her plenty of times. But no, I wasn't about to kiss her. And no, we weren't breathing into each other's faces, we were singing.

Really, we wuz!

Altho in a rather intimate manner but you have to give me credit for restraining, surely!

Then there was this one lyric that went,"Do you love me?" or something like that - I can't quite recall.

Praline looked at me in all seriousness and asked again,"Do you love me? Do you?"

I wanted to tell her that she was a beautiful person and that I'm sorry if I led her on and yadda yadda...

My lips moved,"No".

Then smiled,"Not yet".

She seemed happy with the answer and No, I didn't take up her offer to follow her home.

I later found out that Ian stays near her but not with her. Poor Ian is wooing her but she hasn't responded enthusiastically.

In the meanwhile, I totally fucked up with this 'touchy' business!

I sms'ed Sally to 'test' the water and although she responded, she didn't give more than the courteous reply.

Ouch.

Scene from a night out

"Lesbians are such flirts!"

Are we? hmm...

Of late, I've been hanging out with a 'Mix Group'. It includes some GCs (me) and obvious Gays and Maybe-I'm-straight-but-maybe-I'm-not-sort.(Also known as a 'persuadable')

I never had the chance to really get to know them coz Shandy (one of my best bud) is usually present. It's always difficult to mingle coz we'd end up having fun together instead!

However,

Have you had one of those times when sparks fly from a mere introduction?

Shandy: Closet Nation, this is Sally. Sally, Meet Closet Nation.
She smiled. I smiled.
Sparks fly!

I swear - it's that simple!

Problem is I don't know if she's gay or not. Then I read Lesbian Life flirting tips.

Basically it says to be more touchy and give more obvious hints that you are interested in her.

Ok, noted.

So,

Here's what happened in our previous hangout.

We all met up and I gave a friendly hug to one and all.

Then Handsome appeared, (I'm more acquainted with Handsome) and I gave him a hug AND kisses on both cheeks.

Sally: Hey, no fair. How come I don't get a kiss?

I looked her in the eyes and with a cheeky smile went for a kiss on her cheek. Of course, I took my time and of course, my kiss was 'wrongly' aimed towards the corner of her lips!

I think she blushed!

As the evening went on, I took every opportunity to hook my arms around hers. Does that mean she's more alpha than me? But it sure felt good.

I don't know the exact moment that she began to be 'cold' towards me... but it was during the last leg of our outing when we were in the VIP room. I noticed she wouldn't sit beside me Or when she did sit beside me, there was Major Space between us.

Later on we parted ways awkwardly as I dived in for a hug goodbye. She didn't actively partake in the embrace. She was kinda cold... almost repulsed-like.

I keep playing the scenes all over again. Partly because I liked the way she blushed at me and partly because I can't seem to recall where it all went wrong... Damn!

Lonely Anthem

I'm wiser now
I'm not the foolish girl you used to know
So long ago
I'm stronger now
I've learned from my mistakes which way to go
And I should know
I put myself aside to do it your way
But now I need to do it all alone

And I am not afraid to try it on my own
I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I'll keep it real you know
Time for me to do it on my own
Yeah yeah, mmm, yeah yeah

It's over now
I can't go back to living through your eyes
Too many lies
And if you don't know by now
I can't go back to being someone else
Not anymore
I never had a chance to do things my way
So now it's time for me to take control

Closet Gays

Closet Gays (CG) are a standard here and so every gay person here still have one foot in the closet while the other foot explores other possibilities...

Luckily, I am a part of a small clique of CGs. (I can't imagine how difficult it would be for the 'newbies').

And of course after being in this circle for some time, you meet others but that's another story...

Unfortunately my CG frriends are mostly in the westend so I hardly get to see them.

Today however, by a stroke of brilliant coincidences and spontaneity, everyone's converging to Sally's apartment or more precisely, her private pool.

I had an amazing time and those few hours I was happy to be amongst 'my own'.

The catching ups. About Life, career and love or lust (wherever applicable).
The stories shared. The hugs, tears and tips on how to pee in public toilets.
The chardonnay, frangelico and baileys.

*takes a moment to savour the memories*

I've always envied those who are Out and if it's actually possible, I am now more envious than ever.

Let bygones be.

I think one of my most intense relationship has to be with Dee Dee. At one point we were with each other everyday / night / second / minute... Of course such intense bursts will surely be short lived... We went on and off for about 2 years....

We are now good friends. Sharing the same circle of other friends - so of course we meet still...

Dee Dee and I share similar 'wavelength'. Somethings dun't need to be said and yet sometimes we say things that Only we'd understand and then there'd be those I-know-whatcha-mean-look thrown between us.

It is during those looks that makes ya yearn for... someone who understands...

Yesterday, in a moment of unconsciousness, I took place beside Dee. Our hands brushed. I placed my hands on Dee's thighs, knees...



Our eyes met.


Locked.



What was I doing? I pulled back.

Luckily Irene (Dee's partner) didn't see that. Even if she did, Irene would prolly think nothing of it.

Lucky her. She gets to go home with her loved one.

Which Character from The L Word are You???

you are BETTE! you've got an established career, a significant other, and ethnicity that no one can define. you're also fairly hot!
Take this quiz!








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Classic Bette and Tina

Classic Bette and Tina music video.

I'm not a big fan of Britney (snort, Who is!) - Well, at least not until she kissed Mama Donna and then things got real hot...

Anyway, I digress.

On the same site, you'll find other clips but as I examined this particular clip I appreciated the editing that went into it.

It showcases very classic Tina and Bette moments and there's a constant relativity with the lyrics. There's also a certain sense of sublety meant to evoke emotions. Kudo's to the maker!

Then I rememebered. Get this, I CRIED when Bette kissed Candace in Season One.

That was the moment that did me in. I remember clutching my mouth as I screamed (in my heart),"No, Don't - what are you doing? Nooooo.."

Then tears fell like bucket. For all the backstabbing shit that happens.

I'm done. I'm tired. I just want a simple life.

Personal Ad

The idea of posting a personal ad is just too weird for me.
Am I old fashioned?

*sighs* Probably the reason why I don't have a partner!

For those of you who are keen, check Fridae.com or thepinksofa.com

Almost Out

After a swim - Oh by the way, I didn't go for a jog, I swam 10 laps instead - I met up with Zeeta(my cousin) & JJ(her fiance).

I've not met Zeeta for a long while but as cousins goes, we're strongly bonded by blood. I wanted to share my findings with her and as I steer the convo towards sexual orientation, she manages to second guess where I was leading to.

She then jumped into spirituality and faith. I silently pondered if there IS such a thing as a Gay muslim.

The funny thing was both her and JJ had two different ideas and approach. What was seemingly of good intentions and concerns for me turned into a heated argument between the couple.

I finally had had enough and left them both still squabbling. Of course I didn't out myself - maybe another day....

Sheesh! And they're getting married next month?

God bless them!

Gay Looks

In one of the episodes, Mark says to Jenny that gays are somehow easier to spot coz they stand out. They have different hairstyles... and when I think of Shane - I'm thinking weird hairstyles - fer sure...

I don't have and neither will I want that hair do - but I do admit that the gay world is very into looks. Shallow, I know but hey, having a good body shows discipline and that is so sexy!

I mean, every lez is so very into Bette coz well, she's just so god damn hot and with a character to boot.

And so, I set forth to lose weight, to dress well and hopefully, be comfy with my own skin.

I am now going for a jog.

The L Word

Yes, I know this is terrible cheeesy but hey - my life is as a mountain tortoise and in this part of town being gay is not exactly welcoming!

But after watching the series, I'm glad to say that I am Gay and normally so. Phew!

I know now that I have to leave this place and go to where Gay Pride is celebrated.

San Francisco or Los Angeles or New York?